i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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