Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
