I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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