they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
