I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
