oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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