You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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