You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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