I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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