I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
