stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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