youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
