I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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