I didn't shave. On purpose
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Randomize
