i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
