Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
