From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
