i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
