Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
