everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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