Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
