Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
