My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
