That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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