I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
