Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
