if i can run in heels then i can drive
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
