So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
