I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
