YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
