The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
