My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
