after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
