found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just found a bag of teeth...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My vagina is officially offended.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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