Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
