i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
