i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
