I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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