he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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