And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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