How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
