Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
