True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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