Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
