He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
