Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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