omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm too high and old for this...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
