When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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