She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize