I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
