I wish I could punch you in the face.
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
handjob tips. give me some.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
This house was built for laser tag.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
