I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
