apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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