He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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