hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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