Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
